Kentucky-West Virginia--Maryland--DC

Not much to report from this drive. A lot more green. Passed through “Wild and Wonderful West Virginia” whose main industry, judging by the smell, is coal mining. The billboards, however, would have you believe that golf is the main attraction here. As neither really appeal to me, I only stopped once, in a town called Chimneyville or something like that, for gas, and then cruised right through.

I saw my first little “East-coasty” town in Maryland and have to admit may have been a tiny bit culture shocked to see so many buildings next to each other, after the sparseness of Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, and West Virginia. My grip on the steering wheel tightened considerably entering DC, what with quadruple the amount of cars I was used to quadruply close together at quadruple the speed I thought should have been appropriate for the situation. I was really afraid of being honked at, but the guy behind me leaned on his horn because I chose not to run down a family with a baby in a stroller that chose to cross the street on my green light, I realized that being honked at in the city would be inevitable, unless I felt like committing manslaughter.

I somehow found a parking spot fairly close to my step-sister Rachel’s house, and found that I had inadvertently timed my arrival perfectly with a bbq/party that she and her seven housemates were having. I lugged in my bags, was handed a cold beer and a veggie burger, and forgot all about being honked at.

DRIVIN' KENTUCKY

After leaving the farm, I took a minor detour through Metropolis, Illinois: Home of the Giant Superman Statue. (I mean, really, how could you pass that up?) It was everything I’d hoped it’d be: big. superman-y. I arrived just before a family with small kids and I could hear them yelping as soon as they got out of the car, “sooooooperman!!” The mom very generously offered to take my picture, and then had to spend a few minutes yelling at her kids to get out of the shot. It was great. As an added bonus, I got to see a cop lead a jailbird into the building the superman was in front of. Not lying. It seemed like they were old friends, talking and laughing, the guy in the yellow jumpsuit gesturing with his handcuffed hands...

After that, things got really boring. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say more boring than Kansas and Missouri. The parkway was lined with thick green forest, which, although it was very pretty, was the same for hours and hours and hours. Listened to a big chunk of my book on tape.

Heading for my stepsister’s best friend-and-her-husband’s house in Berea, Kentucky. She and her husband had to work late, but (even though I’ve never met them, bless their hearts), they told me where the key to their house was hidden and told me to make myself at home. My GPS was set to their address and I was looking forward to a quiet evening by myself.

After I stopped for gas in Bardstown, my GPS must have somehow reset itself, because it led me on an inadvertent tour of Kentucky’s ritziest neighborhoods. I should have realized, being the home of the Kentucky Derby, that there would be quite a few manicured green pastures with perfectly manicured painted fences and manicured horses with braided manes cantering about. I was led right into the heart of it, into a golf course community with giant mansions. At first I thought, wow, Rachel didn’t mention that her friend lives in a mansion! Then I realized that instead of saying "you've reached your destination, 123 Main St" or something like that, it had random coordinates highlighted. Stupid GPS.

The house, once I found it, was very cute. I met their somewhat psychotic cat Smokey right away, and he fluctuated between mewing sweetly and rubbing my leg to snapping without warning and sinking his claws into my calves and feet. He followed me into every room, even the bathroom, and (to my dismay) apparently knew how to open the bathroom door from the outside. Unsettling. I learned to lock it whenever I went in.

Beyond the cat issue, I slept very well, and unfortunately had to leave early in the morning to get to DC before dark. I never got to meet Rachel's friend at all! :( Many thanks for letting me stay there, Vivian!

PHARM PHOTOS...

oops, forgot to include a few winning shots:

proof that i drove a tractor, and my lovely hosts!

MISCELLANEOUS FARM ADVENTURES

I was on the farm for a total of seven days, and in that time managed to accomplish too many adventures to recount in detail. A quick overview of new experiences includes driving the tractor, herding errant escaped calves back into the fenced pasture, holding a chicken, peeking in on baby barn owls nesting in the barn, and touring the nearby Heron pond, a swamp complete with Cypress knees, water snakes, and angry crawdads (one accosted Sharon and I as we hiked in, waving his big claw around like he knew how to use it! Fortunately he was barely three inches tall...)

I also got to see the nearby town of Cairo (pronounced Cay-roh...) where the Mississippi river meets the Ohio river. The town used to be a hoppin’ place in the early 20th century, but race riots in the 1970’s brought the town to near ruin. Bob and Sharon pointed out the bullet holes in the police station and courthouse, and then proceeded to try to find Cairo’s hospital, which, newly built in the 70’s, was completely abandoned after the riots. As if the bullet holes and entire city blocks of abandoned and broken buildings weren’t enough to give me goosebumps, the sun was setting fast and my hosts showed no signs of turning back. We ended up cruising the projects of Cairo after dark, lost, and searching for this abandoned hospital and a place called the Magnolia Mansion. (Queue high-pitched screechy violin music here...I was pretty sure we weren’t going to make it out of Cairo.) Once located, I took quick pictures out of the car window of the dark, overgrown buildings and we set off back home. Unfortunately, a decision was made to detour to the national cemetery nearby. Normally, I’d be all for a tour of our nation’s historical dead, but as it was nearing 10pm and I still hadn’t eaten dinner, and it was pitch black outside, I have to admit I was pretty bummed about this impromptu cemetery visit. It was so dark, in fact, that we couldn’t read the giant plaque at the entrance of the graves. I took a flash picture of it and read it on my camera screen, and to my great relief, it stated “No visitors after sundown”. Phew! We turned around and went home. Below: The great confluence: Sharon sights the Ohio; I've found the Mississippi. The haunted hospital (?) and the graveyard sign. *I had to photoshop the hospital pic a bit just so you could make out the building!

A final adventure on the farm included a hike through the neighbor’s property to see a Native American cave painting. Although it was buggier beyond belief (I swear these guys were targeting my eyeballs) it was really cool to see the painting. I think I found a piece of an arrowhead in the rocks around it, too. Bonus!

THE FAILED HIKE

The second day on the farm, Sharon told me about a nearby hike that I should try. Despite a semi-creepy name (The Panther’s Den), it sounded fun. I got a little apprehensive when she pulled out a topographical map and pointed out which squiggly lines I should hike to, and even more nervous when she handed me a compass to help me get there. But: you can’t not have an adventure if you need a compass to get where you’re going!

Back in the matrix, I drove slowly along the country roads looking for the entrance to the hike. I actually drove past the little dirt road the first time, because the road sign was overgrown. Down the dirt road, turned onto a smaller, rockier dirt road, until I came to a downed tree in the middle. Bah! I got out to survey the situation and was immediately swarmed with all manner of bugs. I had to scramble for my Off! and gave myself a pretty generous dosing (who knows what those chemicals do long term? I might develop a third eye on my neck by the end of this buggy adventure). My battle of even budging the tree an inch was lost miserably. I managed to break off a few twigs but definitely battled for the right-of-way in vain. At this point I re-evaluated the distance from the ditch on the side of the road and squeeked the matrix around it. I found the forlorn, empty “parking lot” Sharon had spoke of, and looked for the unmarked trailhead she recommended, but could feel the panic rising being so far away from anywhere, down random, tree-blocked dirt roads in the middle of a southern Illinois forest. There was a sign near one of the trail heads, so as a compromise between being a brave trail-blazer and a brave trail-follower, I set off down that one.

As I tromped off down the trail, I made sure I had my compass, my map, water, a granola bar, my camera, my pocket knife, and my cell phone (though I had no reception, so moot point) at the ready. Sharon had briefed me on wildlife in the area, which included three kinds of poisonous snakes: rattlesnakes, copperheads, and cottonmouths (oh my!). I developed a weird sort of stompy-walk to scare away anything before I got there. I also walked into about 15 spiderwebs before I picked up a stick and started swirling the air in front of me to clear them before my face did. Now I was stompy-walking and stick-swirling and I’m sure I looked beyond ridiculous. In addition to my fears of deadly snakes, spiders on my face, mosquito-borne diseases (did I mention the constant hum of skeeters hoovering around me, just waiting for me to sweat off my off?), I also started fearing an encounter with a trucker-cap wearing, three-toothed, malt liquor-swigging, bowie-knife wielding local after seeing an abandoned campfire spot littered with beer cans. As each fear came to me I told myself to buck up and keep going, but at a certain point (yeah...um...15 minutes in? I didn’t last long!) I gave up, turned around, and practically ran back to my car. (Oh, and ran into all the spiderwebs AGAIN on the way back, those suckers waste no time in rebuilding!) (see top photo, I snapped a quick pic before I turned tail...)

This makes for a tidy, dramatic ending of my hike story, but I can’t leave out the following two events: First, I actually did see a snake crossing the dirt road in front of me (eeeeeew but cool but eeeeew--and it was just a black snake, no rattles or cotton or copper). Secondly, I helped a little old turtle cross the road. Good deed for the day: done.

THE FARM June 21 +

Southern Illinois is gorgeous. Rolling hills, green everywhere, fields of wheat that look like golden ocean. My destination, the farm, is owned by my cousin’s uncle Bob and his wife Sharon. They raise beef (I feel a bit rude visiting and not being red-meat eater). In addition to their 24 head of cattle or so, they have five horses (Tica, Toomba, OT, Roco, and Maya), a seeing-eye donkey named Pancho (to help guide a blind horse who has since passed), two dogs (Chrysler and Pluto), a bunch of cats (Bajadhour, Gibahn, Chicken, and Bob for starters), a few roosters (Rush, Sweatpants), bunch of chickens (no namers), Guinea hens (all are called “Guinea”), a small flock of crested ducks (only one is named: Circumstance)...I think I got it all. Below: a mishmash of farminals.

The farm is fun! I get to help out with chores like collecting eggs from the hen house, feeding the ducks, watering the cattle, and feeding the horses. I helped participate in horse-washing, which actually also includes horse-squeegee-ing. No joke. The weather here is extremely hot, hanging around the 90s everyday, which inevitably has lead to a few pond-swims. Unfortunately, the pond itself is so hot that it’s not too much of a reprieve. After a particularly hot day, Sharon and I swam in the evening before chores. As there was practically no difference between the water temperature and the outside temperature, we didn’t bother putting on clothes again to finish up on the farm...which lead to the first (and hopefully last) time I shoveled manure in a horse pen in my bikini and tennis shoes. (And no, I didn’t document this last event with a photo.)

Other notable farm tidbits: their neighbor grows tomatoes in a field that runs along the driveway. As a measure against the deer, he plays Christian talk radio 24/7, so when things are quiet in the middle of the day, you can hear faint voices. We’ve decided that he could market those tomatoes as “infused with family values”...talk about genetically engineered crops!

SOON TO COME...

Hey All,
Wow, it's been a long time since I've had internet and time to write at the same time. I'm finally finding my way out of the cornfields and am preparing for a blizzard of updates, but until then, for those of you who still think I'm somewhere in Illinois, a few highlights from what's to come:

-drivin' tractors, washin' horses, and herdin' calves in Illinois

-Museum madness and matrix security breach in DC

-crab eating lessons in Baltimore

-Potentially superdangerous wildlife encounter in Shenendoah National Park (I've got video of this one! A must-see...)

-Croquet playing with an Elvis impersonator and his family in North Carolina

-Staying in tree houses and brushing up on ukulele in Georgia

-Pancakes with my name on 'em (literally) at the Pirate Haus Hostel in Florida

-Camping at the #1 beach in the US


Stay tuned for the full updates folks! Sorry for the lag!